$100 to a million in 3 years

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Finding your Balls, Minding Your Balls and Doing Your Bollocks

I have never been and doubt i ever will be a confrontational type of person. I'm not quick witted or particularly interesting e.g. i come up with a great put down 10 minutes after it was required and i'm crap at telling a story.

This blog on reflection and read through is boring as fuck, when i started i had no intention of writing something that was a great read, just something to motivate myself and maybe get some good advice. But if even the author is bored to tears by something it must be bad. So i think i will only post when i have something mildly interesting to say (hopefully).

As to the title of this thread it all stems from me finally coming to terms with my hatred of what i like to call 'the snivelling little cunts' of the live poker world.
They come in many forms, some of which i'm sure you will recognise...

The Poker Sage (often bouyed by other poker sages at the table)

I don't mind, in fact i encourage anyone to discuss a hand or play after a tournament or in a break. But i fucking hate the pompous arseholes who do a commentary through the game and basically tell everyone how bad they are playing if they didn't have the best hand pre flop even if they win the hand.
I hate seeing some new players being constantly told how badly they are playing because one of these wankers thinks his weak tight game is the only correct way to play. They win like a tournament a year and think they are the greatest player ever.
I have one guy who i almost cry when i have to sit next to him, he literally never stops talking in my ear, and no fucking about either in a hand he will tell me wether i should fold or call.

Shut the fuck up you PRICKS.

The Clingers (Often the same people as the Sages)

Simply have no idea how to play without a monster stack. They pass pass pass trying desperately to get to the money, often just to get their money back. The only way these dicks win tournaments is when the deck hits them in the face for the entire tournament.
For example playing the other night and we get to the final table and king of 'the snivelling little cunts' (as he embodies all the loathsome traits) has the 3.5 BB's, the final table is 10 handed with 8 paying and they have been desperately trying to get some money off the top to get their money back but this has been scuppered but thats another story i will divulge shortly.
Long story short he passes for 2 rounds and is eventually forced to put his last 0.5 bb's in the BB, i have to confess to being slightly poker sagey here as i just couldn't help exclaiming 'what the fuck could you pass there?' when he refused to make up from the SB last round. Thankfully he lost and exited 9th for absolutely nothing, woo hoo (i got more enjoyment from that than winning the comp).
The story i alluded to before is where the finding your balls in the title comes from. We get down to 12 players in this tournament i am prob CL, there are 2 guys at the table who seem quite new to live poker but realise their shorstacks need to get moving and are making good pushes and survivng the odd call. All the time 2 'SLC's' are blinding themselves off knowing for almost certain that they will be able to negotiate some money back if they reach the final table.
Common style quotes would include 'you can't get nothing for the final table surely?' or 'We deserve something'.... if the przie structure says you get nothing then you deserve absolutely fuck all.
Anyway, i don't think this is fair with these 2 lads playing without realising this is effectively the bubble so i steal both the 'SLC's' Blinds leaving them near the felt then call over the TD and inform him that i will be vetoeing all deals until at least4 handed. I can see their heads are nearly exploding at this point and the 2 new guys both smile at me seeming to get what was going on. These fuckers truly hate me now and i'm so glad i don't have to listen to their bullshit anymore.

Next in the list

Nippers (Can you buy me in mate as i forgot my wallet, i'll get you the money later etc etc)

Just fuck off. If you haven't got any money you're not in the game.
Nippers get double points for cuntishness if you see them pulling out a twenty at the bar to buy drinks after you bought them into a £10 re buy.
If your new to the live scene, set your stall out early, 'no borrowing or lending ever, sorry mate'.

Intimidators (often also slimey fucks/angle shooters)

Trying to gain an edge through thinly veiled thretening behaviour, especially if it's towards women or newbs. I have one guy i despise who gives it the i don't give a fuck don't raise my blinds line, this is interspersed with quiet insults directed at anyone who beats him or calls him without the nuts. He's a big guy and looks pretty mean and hes just a twat. I raise his blinds on principle and despite his promises he has yet to shove over the top even once.
Anlge shooters are such sad bastards, 'string bet, string bet' ok, so i fucked up and made a string bet that you know full well was just an accident and i even don't mind you calling it as they are the rules but don't do it with glee and piousness like your the last bastion of decency and protector of the rules that you just manipulate for a tiny increase in your negative edge over the field.
Bad losers/Slimey fucks who revel in beating somebody else or somebody getting beaten who beat them earlier, can also jump off a high building. There is a lot of joy to be had from taking on an opponent and pitting your wits against each other and respectfully offering a hand or nod should you triumph, thats probably the best part of the game for me. These cunts openly display there joy at an opponents exit and i in return vow to openly display my joy at theirs in future.

Minding Your Balls

Bit serious this but check your bollocks fellas, a mate just had to have one off but well worth it given the tumour and hes surprisingly chipper given that hes a rampant alpha male.

Doing you bollocks

No more table games, having taken down 2 live tornaments in a week for £2800 i proceeded to rinse a little over half of it on a crazed roulette/blackjack session. Got to plug that leak.

Online balance is fairly static as i haven't played much, just a bit of cash and the odd tournament from the winnings. Unfortunately no big results and the online roll is about $2400.

Gl at the tables

P.S. I can't be arsed to proof read this and i think i had more stuff to say but forgot to include it so may edit it later but i doubt it.


  • Great post mate, I can certainly relate to some of those players for sure! As for the table game leak, just look at TJ Cloutier, he's a fully blown Craps Addict!

    By Blogger Yorkshire Pudding, At 3:32 AM  

  • Hahahah blog post of the year that.
    You musta been to our local live game cos those nobs all exist there too...
    I pictured each person as you categorised them. I wont be able to stop myself having a little chuckle at their expense tomorrow night.

    By Anonymous Cadmunkey, At 5:34 AM  

  • Absolutely Brilliant Post

    Good Luck

    By Blogger Ukgatsby, At 7:43 PM  

  • Gatsby award for blog of the month. That post sealed it :)

    By Blogger Ukgatsby, At 7:06 PM  

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